There's Always Vodka

Unless I drank it all. In that case, we'll need some more.

Merry fucking Christmas

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My heart has been heavy for the past few days. It’s been a difficult Christmas.

A few days ago my boyfriend and I found out that his ex-girlfriend died in an auto accident. It was horrible, and I feel the loss of life deeply. She wasn’t my friend, but she touched the lives of many people, and for that I mourn her loss.

As for me, I hated her, and I can’t stop crying over the times I wished her dead. I have never hated another human being in my life, but I hated her. I still hate her.

It’s hurting me to see how much my boyfriend is hurting. He’s trying to hide it from me, but I see it. After all, he’s the love of my life, and I know him better than anyone – possibly more than he knows himself.

He still loves her, and I don’t blame him for that. I may not like his feelings for her, but I do respect them, and I would never trivialize them. I love him too much, and feel his pain too deeply to ignore the truth.

His memories of her were crushing me during the first year of our relationship. He couldn’t go a single day without mentioning her. Everything reminded him of her. Movies, music, places, art – even the perfume I wore. It hurt me, but I kept quiet and let him talk about her. I understood he needed to heal. I just hope I was able to help him. Maybe I was crazy to try to pursue a relationship with him; I knew he was damaged. I just didn’t realize he was more damaged than I was.

I have my own reasons for hating her. Reasons that affect me greatly, and will not let me forgive her. Reasons that my boyfriend doesn’t fully understand, so he thinks are just irrational on my part. Even now, after her death, they still affect me, and I just can’t let it go.

It’s been almost a week since her death, and this is the first opportunity I’ve had to write about this. My boyfriend is out paintballing with his friends, and I hope he’s having fun; he needed a break. The kids are sleeping in their rooms, and I’m sitting in our bedroom trying to work out my feelings.

My feelings and I have had a tumultuous relationship. I have never been good at expressing them, other than the occasional bitch fest. Okay, maybe more than occasional. I also have never been good at trusting people – at all. I don’t trust anyone but myself. Entrusting my heart to my boyfriend was the hardest thing I have ever done. I gave a piece of myself away to someone who may or may not cherish it as I do. This may not last, and while there is no doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I don’t know if he feels the same.

I believe him when he says he loves me, but then again, he’s been quick to say that to a lot of other people before me. There are just no guarantees. I may not be who he wants to spend his life with. I know those are just my insecurities, but this is hard for me.

I know another part of my anger stems from the timing of this situation. It’s the holidays, and this is our first Christmas together in the same house. It was supposed to be special. It was supposed to be filled with joy and promises of a beautiful future. Instead it will always be tainted by her death and the memory of her. It’s just one more thing I will never be able to forgive her for.

Author: Dolores

I'm a ninja - one that bumps into things, and curses loudly.

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