There's Always Vodka

Unless I drank it all. In that case, we'll need some more.


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Damn you, internet doctors.

It’s 3:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep because every time I lay down I start coughing until it seems like I will choke to death. It isn’t fun. I’ve been sick for a month. Just when I started getting over the Flu, I caught something else. It’s so not fair.

Yesterday I made the mistake of going on WebMD to check my symptoms. Not a good idea. Apparently I have EVERYTHING from Pneumonia to cancer. Thanks a lot, fake internet doctor.

When I do manage to sleep a little, I have very vivid dreams and some nightmares. I call them fever dreams, because I always have them when I’m ill. I had one such nightmare yesterday. It was the kind that makes you bolt out of bed in a panic, gasping for breath. I can’t actually remember it now, like so many dreams, but I know it freaked me out. Funny enough, the only part of it I do remember is me looking in a mirror and seeing my hairstyle. It looked pretty good; I’ll have to remember to describe it to my hairstylist.

 


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Flowers, please

I know it’s late to be writing about Valentine’s Day, but I’ve been catching up on my RSS feeds and coming across a lot of Valentine’s Day posts. I’ve realized that it really bothers me that my boyfriend and I don’t acknowledge it, let alone celebrate it.

We live in Miami, and Valentine’s Day can get a bit overdone here. Actually any holiday is overdone in Miami, but Valentine’s even more so. It is really annoying and commercial, but I’ve never been able to celebrate it. I’m the self-appointed queen of first dates, but I’ve never let any of my dates take me out on Valentine’s. That just seems weird to me. Now I’m in a relationship, and I still can’t celebrate it. Even if we hadn’t both been sick with the flu this year, we still wouldn’t have celebrated.

I might not be that upset about it if there were other romantic moments in my life, but there aren’t. I made a comment once to my boyfriend that he didn’t have a romantic bone in his body, and he said that wasn’t true, but I’ve never seen evidence to support that claim. His excuse is that romance takes money. I don’t believe that, but he won’t listen to any of my suggestions. It makes me wonder if romance is just dead. I hope not, but it’s hard to tell right now.

Our anniversary is next month. He can’t even remember the exact date, so I’m definitely not holding my breath for that one. I don’t need or expect a grand gesture, but I love flowers. It would be nice to get some roses , or a walk through the park. Even a home-made card to let me know he remembers would make me cry from joy. It’s just a little thing that I’ve realized I need right now. It’s been a tough seven months, and I need something to make me smile.

It seems nothing makes me smile these days. I started a self-portrait project last month, and decided to postpone it, because none of my smiles looked genuine. I was smiling, but my eyes weren’t and that wasn’t the look I wanted for my project. I suppose I could have continued with it to document the journey from  depression to joy, but I just don’t know how long that will take and I’m afraid that processing those photos will make it worse.

I’m trying to get back to normal, but it’s been a long time since I’ve felt normal. This might just be my new normal.