I lost out on a job today. I was told last week that it was mine, but today they changed their minds. It wasn’t even a permanent job. It was just a one-time gig, but it paid well and I could really use the money. I don’t know how I’m going to pay my bills this month. I still haven’t paid rent. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I know it’s late to be writing about Valentine’s Day, but I’ve been catching up on my RSS feeds and coming across a lot of Valentine’s Day posts. I’ve realized that it really bothers me that my boyfriend and I don’t acknowledge it, let alone celebrate it.
We live in Miami, and Valentine’s Day can get a bit overdone here. Actually any holiday is overdone in Miami, but Valentine’s even more so. It is really annoying and commercial, but I’ve never been able to celebrate it. I’m the self-appointed queen of first dates, but I’ve never let any of my dates take me out on Valentine’s. That just seems weird to me. Now I’m in a relationship, and I still can’t celebrate it. Even if we hadn’t both been sick with the flu this year, we still wouldn’t have celebrated.
I might not be that upset about it if there were other romantic moments in my life, but there aren’t. I made a comment once to my boyfriend that he didn’t have a romantic bone in his body, and he said that wasn’t true, but I’ve never seen evidence to support that claim. His excuse is that romance takes money. I don’t believe that, but he won’t listen to any of my suggestions. It makes me wonder if romance is just dead. I hope not, but it’s hard to tell right now.
Our anniversary is next month. He can’t even remember the exact date, so I’m definitely not holding my breath for that one. I don’t need or expect a grand gesture, but I love flowers. It would be nice to get some roses , or a walk through the park. Even a home-made card to let me know he remembers would make me cry from joy. It’s just a little thing that I’ve realized I need right now. It’s been a tough seven months, and I need something to make me smile.
It seems nothing makes me smile these days. I started a self-portrait project last month, and decided to postpone it, because none of my smiles looked genuine. I was smiling, but my eyes weren’t and that wasn’t the look I wanted for my project. I suppose I could have continued with it to document the journey from depression to joy, but I just don’t know how long that will take and I’m afraid that processing those photos will make it worse.
I’m trying to get back to normal, but it’s been a long time since I’ve felt normal. This might just be my new normal.
I haven’t slept more than four hours in the last few days. I would blame it on the stress of job searching, but it’s really much, much simpler than that. I’m addicted to World of Warcraft. At least I am this month.
My boyfriend bought me a month’s play time so that I could play with him. He knows it’s really the only game I like to play, and he likes when I play with him. He’s a hard-core gamer, so it’s nice for me that he enjoys such a simple game. I think what draws him to it is it’s beauty. The graphics are quite lovely, and the Art History major in him is giddy at the sight of all those colors and animation.
I just like it because it’s simple. You quest; you kill some monsters; you get paid. It also gives you the option of working at “professions”. You can choose to be a blacksmith, for example. You can make swords to kill the monsters, or armor to protect you from said monsters. You can choose to be a Herbalist, and make potions to heal yourself after those nasty monsters have knocked you on your ass for the umpteenth time. Those bastards.
The point is I should be sleeping. Instead, I am awake at 2:00 AM playing a game. I forced myself to take a break so that I could analyse this and put it into words. I’m sick. I think that’s it. It’s a sickness of my making. I warned my boyfriend that I get competitive and obsessed with winning. It’s his fault he didn’t listen.
I have a few different characters I play, but these two are currently my favorites.
As it is getting late, I am going to attempt to get some sleep. If that doesn’t happen, you can find me over on WoW.
Does it ever get any better? This is the question I’ve been asking myself for months. I’ve been out of work for almost 7 months, and I don’t see any end in sight. I’ve been struggling with the feeling of worthlessness. This is how I feel at times – completely worthless. I don’t know what to do with myself on a day-to-day basis. I try to keep busy and find new things to do if I get bored, but it’s getting harder to find inspiration. I’m overly stressed and tired.
The idea of being tired makes me laugh. After all, why should I be tired? I don’t have a job. How can one be tired when one doesn’t have a job to make one tired? But I am tired. All I think about every day is where is the money going to come from to pay the bills, or buy the groceries. That’s what’s making me tired, the mental stress of all that worrying is exhausting. I can see the effects on my face every time I look in the mirror. I look haggard, and that is definitely not a good thing.
It’s a sad day when you realize that you’re just not qualified to do anything. That is, you’re over-qualified or under-qualified, either way you’re not qualified to work anywhere. How can that be? How can someone be in the workforce for eighteen years, and not be able to find a job. Eighteen years of experience and education, and no one will hire you. It just doesn’t seem right somehow. The world is not a fair place, but it’s not as if I am asking for handouts. I want to work. It shouldn’t be this hard.
Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I’m feeling like this because I’m sick with the flu and drunk on NyQuil. Maybe I’m letting the death of the two most genuine characters on Downton Abbey get to me (Damn you, Downton! Stop killing off my favorite characters!). Whatever the reason, I hope there is an end to this. I need this pity party to end, and maybe have an actual party with people. BYOB of course, I won’t be able to afford supplies.
This past Sunday were the Golden Globes. My boyfriend and I try to watch all the movies nominated so that we can have informed opinions about all the nominees and the subsequent winners. Honestly, we just like watching movies.
Anyway, when awards season comes around we always go through our ritual, and then party like we are actually there. This year I partied a little too hard. So the lessons I learned from this Sunday I will be applying on Oscar night.
They are as follows:
A) Do not try to keep up with BF – he is twice my size, therefore he can drink more.
B) Remember to pace myself. It’s not a race.
C) I do not need to take a drink every time someone says “surreal” during the red carpet pre-show. THEY ALL SAY “SURREAL”!
D) Drink lots of water!
I would like to wish myself good luck, because I will probably not remember any of these. See you after the Oscars!